Jersey Mike

My Final Post...

2006-11-15T20:37:00.000-05:00

...on Blogger, that is. (C'mon...you didn't really think I was done yet, did you? I'm just getting started!)

I've made the transition from Blogger to the more robust WordPress.

Please update your bookmarks/links so you can keep abreast with all of my drivel.

mmm...drivel.

The new link is directly at http://jerseymike.org

This message will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...BLAMMO!

King Reed and Dragonfly

2006-11-10T19:17:00.000-05:00

About a dozen shots were fired near Second and Pine streets in Harrisburg early Thursday morning.

No one was shot; nor were any arrests made by police.

According to the story, three separate guns were fired.

Randy King, spokesman for Mayor Reed (heretofore referred to as King Reed) implied in a statement to the Patriot News that the shooting incident was somehow related to a concert at Dragonfly Nightclub by rapper and Wu Tang Clan member "Method Man".

The fact that this man can make such a ludicrous accusation should be reason enough for him to be removed from his position.

It's merely a diversionary tactic to cover up the horrible job that the city has done in policing the streets.

If the thugs in Harrisburg felt that there was the possibility of being caught and punished for crimes like this, the crime rate would certainly decrease and we'd see less shootings/robberies/etc.

But the climate seems to favor criminal activity--very few patrols, antiquated and non-working equipment, political upheaval and general shakiness within the administration.

King Reed--it's time to bite the bullet and face not only the public, but also the real problems in Harrisburg.

As a promoter, I'm offended and insulted that you would imply that an entertainment event (that you forcibly take ten percent of the gross of) would invite a criminal element or activity into your precious downtown.

The crime is already there, King Reed...and you will not fool the public as to the true reasons for the crime.

I sincerely hope King Reed issues a statement apologizing for the misleading information they put out there this time...

But I know as well as you that won't happen anytime soon...

More from Harrisburg's New Media (Part I)

2006-11-06T12:31:00.000-05:00

2006-11-02T10:20:00.000-05:00

From the forums at http://floor9.com (no dash)

i don't usually promote other people's shows, but this one is going to be off the hook. sparky quano is a japanese one man sonic youth that will be playing one show in hbg this friday at smalls. if you caught him at last year's mmc (which, by the way, you didn't... and i know because i was there with probably 25 other people), you saw zembie's get annhilated by walls textured guitar terror.

his set up is this: dude plays his guitar run through an array of effects processors into a loop module. he'll record one loop, play it back in real time, then riff over that loop, then record that riff. once he's five or six or seven layers in - it's an absolutely stunning sound.

fans of experimental rock, shoegazer, and no wave CANNOT miss this. quano is playing at cmj in nyc this week and is making a trip down for who knows what reason - the last time he was in harrisburg was his only american date while on tour, he flew back to london after his show at zembie's.

10pm, smalls (former mars, second street, look for the queen mother), raging sound.

Click Here for Sparky Quano's Homepage
http://kobe.cool.ne.jp/sparky/

Click Here for Sparky Quano on Myspace
http://www.myspace.com/sparkyquano

MuseumGate

2006-10-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

Township Rebellion

2006-10-26T14:57:00.000-05:00

The axe fell today and an undisclosed number of City employees were given pink slips and laid off indefinitely.

The fact that our current administration cannot effectively manage the safety, well being, best interest and finances of our City of a mere forty seven thousand (and dropping) demands a formal investigation into the how's and why's of the current state of affairs.

Additionally, each person who feels the same way or remotely agrees should feel they have the civic duty to rally in front of the MLK building on 2nd street and let their voices be heard.

Don't wait for someone else to do it.

Camel Lights and a 9MM handgun

2006-10-21T06:02:00.000-05:00

If I said I had an “interesting night tonight”, that would be the understatement of the year.

It did really begin like any other—I had a night off from The Brewery; there were a few good spots to hit and lots of people that I wanted to run into were going to be out.

I met up with the Three Amigos earlier in the night, made a game plan and dispersed to the initial meeting spots.

Good people were around, good times were being had, and meaningful conversation was flowing.

After hitting three venues and seeing just as many bands, the lights came up halfway through the last song of the third set and everybody started heading for the doors.

And the rest of the night would undoubtedly change my life as I knew it…

We hopped in the Saab and rolled across Cameron to the Hess Station to grab a pack of smokes. Camel lights are $4.18 at the station across the street…at the time, it seemed like a great deal compared to six bucks at the machine in The Brewery.

I hopped out of my car like I have countless times before and walked to the back of the line at the bullet-proof glass cage that the employee of Hess sits in; disbursing gasoline, cigarettes and junk food during the overnight shift.

And then I went to get smokes.

(Mind you, I’m in very jovial spirits at this point. I ran into more great people tonight than I have in many moons. Seemingly, every social circle that I run in convened tonight…in perfect harmony. )

The kid in front of me looked not much different than I did. He was Caucasian; probably 5’10; likely of Irish decent. His black hooded sweatshirt wasn’t too oversized…in fact; it was probably around the same size that I wear my hoodies.

But something about the fact that I was standing around three and a half feet behind him disturbed him to the point that he turned to me and instructed me to “step back, son”; without any provocation or instigation.

I stood there, patiently in line, while he purchased his Pepsi and waited my turn to save a few bucks on a pack of smokes.

But this kid insisted that I “step back ‘cause I don’t like you being that close” to his apparent sacred personal stake of the sidewalk in front of the bullet proof cage of the Hess Station at Cameron and Market in Harrisburg.

There were two very nice, very presentable and extremely respectable women sitting in my car waiting for me to return. They trusted my unspoken promise to get them to their final destinations without incident or any apparent danger.

But the Caucasian kid in the moderately sized black hoodie driving the older (probably 92-94) black blazer with chrome pinstripes decided to prove to his passengers (three black males) that he was such a tough guy and bad ass that nobody…not even some kid in a red Saab leaving a night of rock and roll with two great people…was gonna invade HIS space.

No, this fucking kid had the audacity to turn to me again and say “yo..step back son”

And my immediate reply was “Pardon me?” with a big smile on my face…

He said “yo, step back son…or we gonna have problems”.

[If you’ve read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, you’ll understand the next thirty seconds of my life]

The look in that poor, confused kids’ eyes told me that he was obviously in a proving point of his social relationship with the three passengers in his car.

Something in my gut told me that he was no different than a dog growling at a foreign dog attempting to establish dominance and some miniscule form of control of a situation that is normally a passive exchange at a Hess Station at Cameron and Market streets at two AM on a Saturday morning.

Although the minutia of the next thirty seconds is escaping me at this moment, what I do remember is this Caucasian kid of Irish decent in a black hooded sweatshirt forming his pointer, middle and thumb fingers into the shape of a gun and pressing them against the temple of my head while informing me “next time I tell you to step back, you step the fuck back, son”.

“Dude, listen man…seriously…you got me all wrong…I’m most likely going to do the same thing you’re going to do right now. I’m just getting a pack of smokes man. It’s really all good. We’re cut from the same cloth, brother. We’re just people.” I said calmly.

And then he took his Pepsi and went to talk to the girls in my car. What was said was, no doubt, rude and disrespectful,, but given the circumstances and knowing what kind of riff raff leaves Second Street in Harrisburg at two AM on a Saturday morning, I wasn’t all that surprised by the exchange.

And I was ready for it to be over; my passengers and I to laugh about it and for us to continue our fun night.

But as I backed my Saab around the row of cars parked in front of the Hess Station at Market and Cameron, the kid in the moderately sized black hooded sweatshirt of Irish decent reached into his older black Chevy Blazer with the chrome pinstripes and pointed what looked to be pretty damn close to a 9MM automatic handgun at myself and the passengers in my car.

Apparently because I stood too close in line to him at the Hess Station at Market and Cameron.

Something, in the Blink of an eye, told me that this boy was not a threat to me or my passengers, so I calmly exited the gas station and drove to our original destination.

The girls were obviously shaken.

And it spurred a conversation.

A dialogue about what the fuck is going on in the world we’re living in…

A discussion about where we’re all from and why we decide to do the things we do…try to impress the company that we keep…while most of the time, not even considering the ulterior values and motives of those we assimilate with.

Years ago, I remember reading about the “new world order” and how it was such a horrible thing…how can each nation keep it’s identity?

But recently I’ve been thinking that maybe a World Order of Humanity isn’t such a bad thing.

Maybe all of the oppressed people of every nation can band together and form a sort of universal consciousness to just be good people.

Respect each others backgrounds and beliefs; while at the same time forging our own ground towards global unity and a higher level of conciousness and working together as a species rather than a country or company or organization or religion having a giant circle jerk about who is better than the other.

But that’s just what I thought about after having a gun pulled on me for standing too close to someone at the Hess Station at Cameron and Market Streets.

I did call the police to report the incident. The dispatcher seemed quite responsive to my call as well. But I didn't want to talk to the police; I just wanted to make sure the incident got logged--because I know that the kid likely wouldn't have been found. And if he did, what would happen? He'll get another item listed to his permanent record? Maybe a fine? And even if he was on some sort of probation and got locked up again, he'd just wind up back on the streets in less than six months and what would that accomplish?

I'll never forget what that kid looks like and believe that Karma will catch up to him sooner than later.

Something tells me that this blog will make more people aware of the fragility of encounters with strangers at gas stations than a police report ever will.

And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes..

2006-10-18T11:30:00.000-05:00

DarkSideoftheOnions.com

TheGreenOnions.net

roundtabletickets.com

Harrisburg NAACP

2006-10-16T23:07:00.000-05:00

The people of Harrisburg have been wondering what the cause of the increasing occurrences of violent crimes in the city could be.

We've even got organizations committed to working to find solutions to our problems.

For example, the NAACP says

From the ballot box to the classroom, the dedicated workers, organizers, and leaders who forged this great organization and maintain its status as a champion of social justice, fought long and hard to ensure that the voices of African Americans would be heard. For nearly one hundred years, it has been the talent and tenacity of NAACP members that has saved lives and changed many negative aspects of American society.

But these organizations can only properly function with noble, trustworthy and humble leadership.

I'm surprised that our local chapter doesn't welcome outside media to cover their meetings...

And now ya do what they told ya.

2006-10-16T11:48:00.000-05:00

Some of those that work forces, are the same that burn crosses

You can fool some people sometimes (Harrisburg Deficit Blog)

2006-10-13T00:26:00.000-05:00

But you can't fool all the people all the time.

I'm not going to write this post pretending to be hip to the ins and outs of local Government.

In fact, I'm not going to mention anywhere in this entry that I'm any kind of expert on local government.

It seems like so much of it is nothing but speculation and hypothesis; who can really be that "in the know" to be an expert on the subject? (other than the people behind the curtain, of course)

What I do know...and what I can tell from the local news media and insider gossip that I'm subject to--is that, right now, The City of Harrisburg is just as financially fucked as the rest of us.

I'm self employed. I don't work for any one private, corporate or government entity. I work for myself.

Sure, I depend on my business contracts to keep me afloat, but I'm not one of those guys that wears an ID badge with pride over my khakis and Gap button down shirt who essentially clocks in, pretends to work and waits to get paid...and then waits to retire.

No, I guess in some respect I'm in the same boat as The Corporation of Harrisburg.

I'm just trying to keep food on my table and make ends meet.

Harrisburg, just like any city, is a business. But apparently, the business end of Harrisburg is poorly run.

Actually, let me rephrase that--

The business of Harrisburg seems to be HORRIBLY run.

On the surface, anyway, that's what it seems like.

Yesterday, the Patriot News reported that the city is currently in a financially dire state and that they need to raise four hundred thousand dollars by next Thursday, October 19 2006 just to meet payroll.

The Patriot News also reported that should that four hundred thousand dollars not be raised, the city will have no choice but to lay off almost sixty police and fire employees.

Now, anyone who lives in the city limits of Harrisburg KNOWS that the last thing we need is LESS police on our streets. (But that's a different topic altogether)

The story went on to say that a legal SNAFU in the contract verbiage with non-essential government employees is protectant of layoffs via a union clause in the contract.

But apparently, Police and Fire employees are not included in that clause.

Now, regardless of who's being laid off, we should have never gotten into this situation.

I don't have a legal or accounting degree but I do have common sense about the pitfalls of "robbing from Peter to pay Paul" and know that it doesn't work on a personal level--and can safely assume that it doesn't work on a local (or national for that matter) government level.

From an outsiders perspective (I'm from North Jersey...at least there, we KNOW that the politicians are corrupt...it's practically a given) it seems to me that Mayor Reed and Co. have been pulling a Ponzi Scheme for about ten years--

If you're not hip to it, read about it here.

But that's what it looks like to me.

So Mayor Reed and Co--what the hell are you gonna do to clean up this mess you've created?

Because I know that I had nothing to do with it. Neither did my neighbors--or my colleagues--or my friends--

It was all you. Our "trusted government officials".

You want a big chunk of our income and property values every year--and we trust that you're going to put it to use for the good of the people--but it seems like you haven't been.

You've PILFERED MILLIONS on Wild West artifacts...

You've increased our water and sewer rates because we're using less...

You've denied us adequate Police and Fire coverage...

And our public school system is in SHAMBLES...

Did I mention that there are KIDS selling CRACK a few blocks from here?

Mr. Reed--what are we paying taxes for? Why hasn't my trash been picked up on time? Why are there degenerates selling crack and shooting each other less than fifty yards from my house (and the GOVERNORS MANSION)?!?! Why do I not feel safe walking ten or twelve city blocks to get home on a Friday or Saturday night?

Oh wait--we've got Second Street to take all of our cares away---know what I think about that? BIG EFFING DEAL!

Nightlife, although my livelihood, is not the most important to a thriving, vibrant city.

Honesty in Government is paramount to getting a plastic hard hat after getting a shot of watered down liquor at the corner of Second and Pine.

Do something about it, Mr. Reed, for the good of all of us.

Ah, the good ole credit card from Iran scam

2006-10-11T18:36:00.000-05:00

I get LOTS of spam daily.

Most of it is offers for penny stocks, pharmeceuticals, penis enlargers, Viagra and the famous Nigerian Lottery scam.

But this one I got today was new to me.

Well, I've always known about schemes, but this email is classic--

-----Original Message-----
From: tom_anderson136@yahoo.com [mailto:tom_anderson136@yahoo.com]
Sent: Wednesday, October 11, 2006 7:26 PM
To: jersey@roundtablepresents.com
Subject: deal for you

Hi,hello for first. i am Josh from Iran. i want to be direct with you

i have a deal with you,i noticed that you have a merchant account.

The deal will be in this way,i can use spammed credit cards to pay with them in your merchant account.I mention that i have USA cards.

so, you say that you are willing to sell somethnig to me, i will pay using credit cards,you will take the money, and we will make 50-50%.

Is there not any risk for you, because you dont know me,you just sell something,is not your fault.

I hope you understand me, and with hope we can make a deal i will await your email at tom_anderson136@yahoo.com.

Will be a nice profit for both of us! i maked in the past a deal like that with someone else, and we maked 10.000 pounds in just 1 month.10.000 for each of us.

Toubab Krewe

2006-10-11T10:14:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of bands that I get avails for daily that I'd LOVE to bring in--but know that for some reason, Harrisburg doesn't support them like other cities do.

Maybe I'll take a chance on this one. I want to.

Toubab Krewe. These guys are smokin.

http://toubabkrewe.com

2006-10-09T09:34:00.000-05:00

I had a surprisingly civil exhange on the boards with Jim O'--founder and curator of local activities website Harrisburg Online.

The exchange was prompted by my response to a column that he wrote mostly regarding how he views industry newcomers and apparant competition.

It seemed to me that his idea was that whenever someone new comes to town and begins any sort of live music service that they immediately start to talk shit and plot their evil takeover of the live entertainment coverage avenue of Harrisburg Media.

Read the whole column here if you'd like, or just read on--as I don't have much time this morning and just wanted to throw this up here, I copied and pasted the board posts.

The gist of my point is that to really have a healthy, thriving music scene, we NEED different people doing different things. And most importantly, we should try to help the new guys along (much the way that people with years in the game have taken a chance on us along the way. )

Regarding the "riding our coat tails" section of Jim's latest OMM-

You said:

"As mentioned above regarding bands, these people also want to take the easy route by riding off our coat tails. They’ll post on our message board to check them out. (Which I always delete) Then I get an email wanting to know what’s up my ass, why was their post deleted. Then I reply, use your own marketing to gain site visitors and not my traffic that I busted ass over the years to obtain. Of course that fires them up and I’m sure they have visions of knocking us off. This never happens and soon they are gone only to have someone else step up and try all over again."

While I understand where you're coming from on this, Jim--you also mentioned that "One, it let’s these people know just how hard this business is. They start up thinking they will change the world and make money doing it, only to find out a few months later that is not the case. "

Sure, as is the case in ANY business. Lots of people have wild dreams and aspirations of what they'd do differently if they were in charge. The difference between a standard, brick and mortar business and the music business is that you can pretty much start in the music biz with zero capitol and zero experience.

All you really need is a certain level of dedication, persistence and an email address.

But what's wrong with welcoming in the newbs? Don't we want MORE bands? MORE venues? MORE shows?

Won't it be a great day in the midstate when people have to go out of their way to find a top forty cover band and be able to pick from dozens and dozens of original events--and have most of those original events be well attended?

Jim-I'm totally not busting your balls. Just offering what's on MY mind in response to what's on your mind.

I'm fairly sure I know who the latest of pioneers was to light the fire on a couple of bridges in town.

But they'll come and go. And the good ones will stick around and contribute valuable services and events.

Why bash people for trying?

Also--

"Two, most of the “newbies” have their sites on us, because over the years we have become known within the local music community as a somewhat authority. As each one fails we seem to get another notch in the belt."

Is that a good thing?

Seriously just wondering.

Sure, the landscape is different now--when HBGOnline began there was, what? Unsung Hero, PA Rocks, you and Harris in town doing the music thing?

What's really changed since then? Sure, your site is still here and new content is added weekly--but maybe you could have more interesting and valuable content if there were more people doing different things?

Harrisburg Online, right? I'd assume from the name that you'd want to cover and include everything in Harrisburg....Online.

Just my two cents. "

His reply--

I was trying to make a point that is sometimes overlooked.

These newbies want to divide vs my therory of cooperation between all involved. A unified front will reach the goals better and quicker then a divided one.

Mike when you started, you had no attitude. You reached out for help and we gave it to you anyway we could. Even when something was to be paid for, did we ever collect.

You did it the right way.

These newbies start the smack talking and try to destroy what took years of ass breakin to accomplish. Why? Because they only want to discredit us thinking they will have some sort of gain from it. I'm not perfect and have had my shares of failures. However I've learned from my mistakes and blamed no one except myself.

My article was to remind those of what we are and who we are. Sometimes when the sheep blindly follow they are tunnel visioned into what they are doing.

And my closing thoughts--

Again, I see it a bit differently.

Totally not tooting my own horn, but I consider myself fortunate and have grown to respect many people locally, regionally and nationally because of their willingness to believe in a newb like myself.

Two years ago, Harris and I didn't get along well at all. Dude would barely reply to my emails. (Well, the emails haven't changed much)

But now, we've both let go of some ego and work together and help eachother out any way we can.

Likewise with you and I -- our dealings got a bit rocky there for a minute, but at the end of the day--we know that we're in this for the same reason and, even if our goals are different, the path that we're on to get there is much the same.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying let every jerkoff with an internet connection, photoshop for handbills and a staple gun with some stupid motto saying something about a fucking "revolution" dive right in and work without earning merit---

I'm just saying that we were ALL newbs at some point--some of us learn and some of us are doomed to repeat mistakes over and over--but we should always listen to what someone new has to say.

I know that after four years of doing my best to book great shows while making the venues, bands and patrons happy while at the same time trying to make sure that my electric stays on and raise a kid, I'm grateful to a lot of the people who've taken a chance on me.

Sure, I've burned some bridges--but when we boil it all down, we were all new once.

(This civil exchange should be proof of progress over the past several years)

Time keeps on ticking...ticking...ticking

2006-09-29T18:37:00.000-05:00

Earlier today, I asked Kaiya when was the last time she saw her cousin Liam.

Mulling it over for a good ten seconds, she proudly said "Friday".

I said "But today is Friday, sweetie."

"Oh."

We walked a few more steps up Kelker towards the Purple Park and I quizzed her, "Do you know what time it is?"

She thought for a moment longer than her last question and said "I don't know, Daddy. What time IS it?"

The first question I asked was genuine...I really wanted to know the last time she got to play with her cousin. But her answer was what made me ask the next question rhetorically.

See, I've been thinking a lot lately, moreso when we're together, about when in time do we lose our innocence? When is it that we realize that the world just ain't as pretty of a place as we once thought it was?

At what point do we realize that our days are numbered and each step along the way can seem like just another strategic meeting? That we need to be somewhere but just can't quite get there? That, no matter how much we prepare, there's just never enough time.

The question has baffled me for years. Since the day she was born, really. At what point in our journey through life do things get serious?

And the conclusion that I came to today was that our innocence is buried the day we learn to "tell time".

Thinking about it more as we sat on the park bench and blew bubbles, I realized that although Kaiya and I can converse in a flowing, intelligent and polite manner--where every word that she hears is a new file in her little memory bank; she has no concept of time.

"Ticking away, the moments that make up a dull day"

It must start in elementary school. That first lesson about the big hand on the twelve and the little hand on the four. Soon after that, we're fucked.

Before we know it, it's "twelve forty five: recess time" and "three ten in the afternoon: school lets out" followed by "dinner at seven" and finally to "bed at nine".

Things get regimented.

"I've got a meeting at one thirty and a dentist appointment at five"

"Work begins at eight am and ends at four thirty. Not a minute later"

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

What qualifies as "News" these days?

2006-09-25T15:31:00.000-05:00

According to Merriam-Webster Online; the definition of "News" is defined as 1 a : a report of recent events b : previously unknown information news for you> c : something having a specified influence or effect news for lawns and gardens -- Garrison Keillor> news>
2 a : material reported in a newspaper or news periodical or on a newscast b : matter that is newsworthy.

I guess that it's realative to the reader, but I'm really getting sick of opening the main page of Penn Live and having the first thing I see be an update on some Penn State Football game or, worse yet, some high school football game.

On THAT note, I recall when I was in High School in Bergen County NJ back in the early nineties, the only people that either went to see our High School football games were either parents of the kids playing or the kids from school who wanted to make out behind the refreshment stand.

But here in Central Pennsylvania, High School football games are actually televised on the major networks!

It boggles my mind, I tell ya.

Perhaps it's just because I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a football fan. (A seperate rant will explain my thoughts on how professional sports seem to be a huge production there to only distract the masses from thinking about or acting on the absurdities that abound in our civilization)

But c'mon, Central PA Newspeople! High School Football?? I have two questions about that-

1. Is there really that much of a demand for coverage of friggin High School football games?

2. Can't you find something more interesting to report about?

It's filler, folks. All filler to keep you glued to the TV set.

How did it get to this?

2006-09-22T11:48:00.000-05:00

More YouTube, folks. Perhaps it's laziness on my part, but most of these videos really speak for themselves.

This is an offering from a group of young men from the mean streets of Harrisburg. Don't think it's real? It don't get more real than this.

My question is "How did it come to this?"

At what point in history did violence and lawlessness become acceptable on any level?

When did it all fall apart? And it's difficult to even isolate one item of this scenario that could be considered pivotal to the problem at large.

It starts at home. In my opinion, the way that we treat others and the way they treat us is a direct reflection of the climate of our upbringings.

This video isn't funny. It's not cool. It's not neccessarily violent; but it's real. (The video contains strong language and should not be viewed anywhere that may offend others)

Sit back, tune in and enjoy--and then go watch more reality TV.

2006-09-19T21:58:00.000-05:00

I'm in something of a writing funk right now.
See, there's much I'm thinking about--but haven't finished any one thought enough to make it coherent on the screen.

For now, watch this video. Sure, it's another 9/11 video, but pretty much nails where I stand on what I believe actually happened that day.

Use less, spend more!

2006-09-02T08:04:00.000-05:00

The Harrisburg Water Authority announced yesterday that, effective immediately, they're raising premiums by thirteen and a half percent.

The move is considered questionable, considering that nothing dramatic has occurred to spur the increase. Nothing, that is, except for consumers conserving water.

Does anyone else find this to be appalling?

Here we are facing the highest gasoline, natural gas, electricity and oil prices; and Harrisburg decides to up our rates because they're doing less business.

We, as a city, have decreased our demand for public utility water--and they decided to charge us more anyway.

Logical thinking (in my mind, anyway) leads me to the notion that if a product or service isn't selling as well as it used to, a business should lower the price of that good or service.

Imagine, for a minute, that your local grocery store decided to increase the price of a loaf of bread because people just aren't buying as much bread?

Or how about if your favorite pizza shop raised the price of a slice because business was slowing down?

Chances are, you'd change grocery stores or pizza shoppes.

But in the case of Harrisburg Water--you don't have that option.

Monopolistic methods are creeping into our daily lives more and more each week. Energy prices are through the roof; gasoline prices fluctuate with no reasonable cause; natural gas is becoming less and less affordable with each season...and health care--don't even get me started on that.

A stamp which once cost thirteen cents now costs nearly forty.
Your gas bill which once was around forty bucks per month is now near two hundred.
Electricity; once considered one of the least expensive utilities, will now set us back an average of a hundred and fifty bucks per month.
Gasoline, when I started driving, cost eighty five cents per gallon. Now we traverse the highways and bi-ways seeking out anything less than three bucks a gallon.

Yes, the cost of living is increasing daily. But why?

The City of Harrisburg claims "the dramatic decline in sales volume is something we could not predict,Â said The Harrisburg Authority ChairmanFrederickk Clark. ÂWhile weÂre certainly proud that it appears people are conserving water, the reality is a loss in sales volume puts an incredible strain on our operations. The declines weÂve seen this year have made it difficult to meet our obligations since we continue to battle increased energy related costs for fuel, natural gas and other petroleum-based supplies. Costs have also risen dramatically for employee benefits and healthcare."

Oh, right--sorry. I forgot. All of these increases equals an increase in passing the buck.

How about adjusting your business practices to adjust to the current market place? How about decreasing profits? Oh, that won't fly.

The times they are a changing. But when are we going to catch up? When are we, as a community and society, going to decide that "enough is enough" and take the power back?

It's not too late, it's up to us.

Same old, Same old (Thoughts on the music schedule at Kipona)

2006-08-24T15:28:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try to put this as nicely as possible...

Kipona Fest is next weekend here in Harrisburg. Similar to The American Music Fest and Patriot-News Artsfest, Kipona is a three-day long event featuring art, food and music along Front Street in Harrisburg.

It is a great time. For the past three years, I've taken Kaiya down for at least one of the days to enjoy some Funnel Cake, good weather and fireworks.

(I left one important item out of that list...did you catch it?)

The food selection is mostly carnival fare--but that's good. What red-blooded American doesn't enjoy Funnel Cake, Corn Dogs, six dollar lemonade and Cotton Candy now and again?

Commendations to the City of Harrisburg in the fireworks department as well. We can always look forward to laying out the blanket, looking up at the sky and watching the display reflect off of the waters of the Mighty Susquehanna. (Then again, fireworks are kind of like Funnel Cake--even if they suck, they're still pretty good. Or is that pizza? Or sex? Either way, you get the picture.)

Fun ensues running into people that I rarely get to see outside of a venue, live music or bar environment. The standard 3-5 minute chit chat of "good to see you, how's things?" is relatively amusing.

And the weather is always bearable. It looks like it's going to be hovering in the mid-80's that weekend. Perfect, in my opinion.

But for all of the fun and food and good times that Kipona has, I am constantly disappointed with the live music selection.

It's become predictable.

Now I'm going to try to stay as politically correct as possible without naming names...only suggested improvements.

Suggested improvement # 1: If a band or act has played on a stage during one of the "big three" Harrisburg events, they shouldn't be allowed to play again until next year. KiponArtsMusicFest all seem to blend together--they're structured the same, they feature many of the same vendors--tell me, "Why do they have to feature the same tired acts?" Like clockwork, whenever the schedule is "announced", I can't help but roll my eyes and utter "pfft" after "pfft" after "pfft" while reading the schedule.

Suggested improvement # 2: If a band, member of a band, or solo act is booked for a performance at one of the Big Three, they should only play one slot!! This befuddles me the most! It's probably safe to estimate that, in the Greater Harrisburg Area, there are no less than one thousand available performers and bands that are of equal or greater quality than the acts that get booked year after year. How about mixing it up a bit? Is the talent buyer of the festival that out of touch that he can't craft a schedule without booking some acoustic cover act two and sometimes three times over the course of the weekend?!

Suggested improvement # 3: Look beyond the open mics and local acoustic circuit for entertainment. (This one sort of bleeds through from S.I.#2) Don't get me wrong, I am a huge supporter, proponent and friend of the Harrisburg Music Scene. (That should really go without saying) But what incentive is there for someone like me (or any of the hundreds of other local music fans that see live, local music on a regular basis) to trudge out to a stage and check out something new? I would assume that the City of Harrisburg Parks and Rec would want some variety in their schedule. Which leads me to ask: "Is the schedule just copied and pasted from year to year?" 'Cause it sure seems that way!

Suggested improvement # 4: How about trying to attract some new sponsors? I know that Comcast is a big dog with lots of money to throw around, but surely some of those stage and sound rigs couldn't cost more than a few thousand bucks for the weekend....How about splitting some of the cost with potential sponsors? I'd love to see a Neato Burrito stage...or a Atomic Warehouse stage...or how about a Local Bar/restaurant stage? We see enough ads for cable, internet and banking companies. What's wrong with getting some local flavor in on the action?

C'mon Harrisburg--put some of that entertainment tax to good use! (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

Suggested improvement # 5: When the Special Events Director of the City of Harrisburg position opens up again, give me a call.

It's easy to be an armchair quarterback--and I'm sure some of you may raise a brow or roll an eye at some of my musings...some may even think that I sound bitter--but it's not bitterness at all. Most of the bands that I work with play at one or all of these events. But I've told them the same thing...I'd much rather check out some new, established acts than see the "same old, same old" year after year.

That's what the music schedule at Kipona seems like to me...same old, same old.

Fire Drill!

2006-08-21T08:36:00.000-05:00

Ever had the feeling that nothing is surprising? That you've probably seen it all?

How about when you think you've got all your "T's" crossed and "I's" dotted that you kick your feet up; only to have the chair you're resting on kicked out from under you?

Welcome to my world; 1:10AM Sunday August 20th.

We were in the office preparing settlement for Brothers Past at The Abbey Bar at Appalachian Brewing Company. Although we had anticipated a larger crowd for An Intro To Ilya, all of the numbers added up and everyone was getting paid that night. (A good thing for any promoter).

Now let me back up a few steps; the life of an independent concert promoter isn't always glamorous. Especially when you're also the production manager, venue contact and hospitality coordinator. I'm not crying, but I do wear a lot of hats.

The past couple of shows we've done have been musically sound, but financially, um...underwhelming. There were a few factors involved in the "43" of 5.12; and you may remember the letdown of The Son of A Blues Man.

But this week's wrench in the gears was something I hadn't even thought of, much less prepared for. Which was a staunch reminder to always stay on my toes and never take anything for granted in this business. The show really doesn't end until the last patron is out of the building...in this case of this past Saturday August 19, they were out of the building in EIGHT MINUTES.

With the looming no-smoking laws on the horizon, we've been beginning to host an event or two per month as "non-smoking" shows. I'm a smoker, but am really looking forward to the day that PA catches up with the rest of the country (isn't that always the case in PA?) and bans cigarette smoking in bars and restaurants.

This past Saturday, we were on the fence about whether or not to have it be smoking or non until about three hours before doors. We decided on keeping it a smoking show; mostly to accommodate the fans.

The show goes off without a hitch. Brothers Past introduced their smokin new drummer (and Jersey native) Ilya "Sputnick" Stemkovsky to a warm audience with open arms. The first set hooked the crowd of just about 200 with some old classics with a new twist; the sound was pretty good (we really could use some bigger new speakers and fly them from the ceiling, but then again; there's a lot of things on that list); and everyone was having fun.

Seeing and presenting as much live music as I do, I can't always be the biggest fan of the music we present. But I can normally judge the success of a show not by the amount of heads in a room or how many twenties are in the drawer; rather, listening to the "YEAH!" from the crowd in between songs. There could be twenty five people in the room--but if they all simultaneously react to the crescendo of a song in the same fashion, you can tell if the bands doing the right thing on any given night.

Everything was on-point on Saturday. It was all there. Lots of anticipation for the first two-set club date with a new drummer; some great reunions of friends and longtime followers of the band; the weather, the drinks, the room...the vibe was there.

And then, sure as a bear shitting in the woods, it happened.

Sitting in the chair with my feet proverbially kicked up on the desk, I heard it from through the floor below me. Mixed in with the crowd banter, thumping bass, blips, beats and guitar riffs, was a steady "beeeep...beeeep...beeeep...beeeep". Knowing the electronic element of Brothers Past, it wasn't until I pressed the button next to the elevator door that I realized that these new beeeeps I heard weren't part of the song.

No, friends. "Those beeps aren't part of the song! The fucking fire alarm is going off!!" is the first thought in my head. The elevator turned itself off automatically and descended to the first floor...but the band played on.

I raced down the stairs at the front of the building, got back into the room and breathed a mini-sigh of relief when I got in front of the stage. It was sort of audible over the PA system, but it didn't really drown out the music.

Brewery Managers and staff began scrambling and I got the word that the fire department was on it's way. It was probably only three or four minutes from the first beeps to the time the trucks and police arrived; but it felt like an hour. And then, when the manager and I hooked up again--I got the words that I knew were coming, but dreaded to hear--"The fire department is here and we've got to get everyone out right now."

Shit.

"Mother fucker!" was all I could think. Why's it always gotta be something?? We were so fucking close! Maybe two or three more songs and it'd have been a stellar show. Not a single bump in the road.

But the fire alarm had to go off.

My first stop was the bands lighting guy and road manager, Matt--"Dude! We gotta get everyone out. The Fire Marshall is here and he's pissed."

"Are you serious?!"

"Yeah."

Next stop was the sound man--Same reaction, but he also let me know that the song was maybe thirty seconds to over. "Okay, as soon as they're done, let them know..."

Over to the house lights, the room blasted bright white lights that could barely cut through the dense cloud of smoke in the room. Starting at the back of the bar, I began rounding up the troops; "Everybody out! The fire departments here and we gotta get everybody out! Put down' your drinks and head for the door in an orderly fashion!"

The song ended, the crowd applauded and Tom made the announcement:

"You're not going to believe this" He said, "but the fucking fire alarm is going off and they want us all to get out".

And exodus began.

Standing at the front doors, we shuffled them all out. All two hundred dancing, happy, influenced kids. And it was smooth. Everyone was out in about eight minutes. Calm, organized, helpful. Had there really been a fire, this would have been a textbook evacuation. Sure, I had never even thought about what it would be like to evacuate a room full of entranced, die hard music fans a the peak of the second set, but it went smooth.

Now the police officer that responded; he's a different story altogether.

See, we were all relatively cool. Perhaps it was the confidence of having combed the building for a fire and found nothing; perhaps it was the confidence in really knowing our crowd, but we were cool. (Band, Brewery and Event staff and crowd, that is)

But if this guys demeanor was any indication of how he handles himself under stress, perhaps he should consider a different calling.

I'm sure that two hundred drunk music fans at 1:15 AM intimidated this guy, but he really could have handled himself better. Instead of calmly finding someone in charge, he barreled up the stairs and into the doorway belting "I need to find who's in charge!!! I need to find who's in charge!!!"

So I stepped up "Hey, I'm the promoter here. What's up?"

"But are you in charge!?!?!" His eyes bulging and veins popping out of his forehead.

"Well, I'm not the top of the chain, but I'm pretty close tonight."

"Look man, are you gonna help me or are you gonna give me a hard time?!?!?!?"

Um, sure officer. I'm in charge. What's up?

"Are all of these people coming back in?"

"Uh, yeah--that's what we planned on"

"You're NO help!!!!"

And he scurried back down the stairs.

Shortly after, the last of the patrons had made it out to the side parking lot and all was relatively calm. The staff and I made our way down the stairs to join our crowd in the lot for a second set break.

Lights were flashing, cops were there, but all was surprisingly calm.

About five minutes later, we confirmed with the fire department that the alarm was tripped by the combination of the bands fog machine and two hundred smokers in a room.

Then we began the re-immigration.

Stepping back out into the crowd, we made the announcement "Band and Staff! Back in the building! Band and staff please! Back in the building. Set three is starting in 5 minutes!"

We cleared a path and welcomed them back, the crowd made it back up the stairs in a few minutes, we turned off the lights again and the show went on.

All in all, it went better than could have been expected. But several lessons were hard learned this past Sunday morning--

1. Just when you think you have all of your bases covered, recount your bases. 'Cause new ones are always popping up.

2. When it comes to having a good time, safety matters.

Sure, we knew there wasn't a fire. We had gone through the whole building prior to the evacuation. But had the whole Brewery and Roundtable staff not been on our A-Game, things could have been much, much worse.

History's tragedies like The Station in Warwick RI or the massacre at Altamont showed us that a crowd, especially a drinking crowd, could be deadly.

But when all of your I's are dotted and T's are crossed, everything's much easier to read.

This is fun...

2006-08-16T11:10:00.000-05:00

Those of you who haven't had the opportunity to dabble in psychedelics (not saying I have, just saying that if you haven't) will find this to be a safe, healthy alternative--that has some pretty fun effects. Watch the video (about a minute and a half) and follow the instructions. Rinse, lather, repeat.

After dinner, on my stoop...

2006-08-13T21:07:00.000-05:00

While out on my front stoop enjoying a smoke after dinner, I was advantaged enough to view no less than fifteen young males and three or four young women being loud, disrespectful, violent and belligerent with one another.

They were all between twelve and fifteen years old.

Like a pack of roaming dogs, these youth were what appeared to be "play fighting"; or just horsing around--but it most definitely did have a bitter, hostile undertone to it--like things could (and likely would have; had my neighbor and I not chased them away) get blown out of proportion and a handgun goes off...

The odd thing, though, was that they were all dressed almost exactly alike--oversized white tee shirt with black shin-length shorts or pants and black sneakers.

My knee jerk reaction was to call the police--like I have many times before (mostly to no avail).

But further thinking led me to the notion that perhaps instead of expecting the police to be there to keep the streets clean; maybe the parents should be made more accountable for what their kids are doing while roaming the streets.

And the solution doesn't have to be punishment--we know the system is clogged enough as it is. Maybe more responsibility from the media that's obviously got plenty to throw around.

People see enough ads for the hottest whip, illest ringtones, most diggity dopest burger and, probably the worst, most ineffective ads ever: the anti pot ads that show the kid with his fist in his mouth...

Maybe instead of the government spending billions on advertising for military recruiting, they can funnel some funds towards a Responsible Parenting Program.

Imagine for a moment your television screen showing not some camoflouged, armed and ready for battle commoner-turned-hero; rather a Mother Father and Daughter fishing in a stream--or washing the car--or gardening?

It starts at the top, right?

In a perfect world, the police would be there to assist with a fender bender, get a cat out of the tree or pop the lock on a car with the keys stuck in it and the engine running.

But this ain't a perfect world.

Another Smokescreen

2006-08-11T19:08:00.000-05:00

International and national politics have never really been interesting subjects to me.

Normally, I read disturbing stories in the paper and, like most Americans, realize that there's not much that I can do about it.

Since 9/11, the world that we've come to know and love has changed so dramatically it's hard to ignore.

Patriot Act laws aside, the price of just about everything has skyrocketed.

And despite all of the blogs and underworld reporting (footnoted, documented and proven theories of what our current administration is really up to), our nation of people has failed to rise up and make a change.

We're continually spoon fed ideologies, standards and rules of the way things have to be--when in reality, those rules only benefit a very small number of people.

We're taxed.
We're restrained by antiquated laws.
The concept of marriage is continually crammed down our throats despite a 70% failure rate.
The police seem to be just a facade.
Crime prevails in every city across the country.
Children are born into poverty, social assistance and a path that will undeniably lead to a life of crime.

But what do we do about it?

We blog.

We bitch.

We write letters to the editor.

And what does that accomplish?

ZERO.

Because we continue to swallow the rhetoric that it's "all for our own good and safety of our country".

War is exploding all over the world and the latest smokescreen is some horseshit story about a plot to blow up planes from the UK flying to the US.

Perhaps I'm cynical, but the first thing that crossed my mind when I read the headlines was "bullshit".

They're diverting our attention to hide some other gross injustices that are happening by the minute under our current regime.

...

I watched The Simpsons tonight and believe that Kent Brockman said it best: "I've said it before and I'll say it again--Democracy just doesn't work. "

The Park With The Castle in East Pennsboro

2006-08-09T20:59:00.000-05:00

It was maybe eighty five degrees, mostly sunny with a mellow breeze now and again this afternoon when Kaiya and I went to the park.

After navigating through the rush hour traffic between 4:30 and 5:30 on a Wednesday afternoon, we headed straight for the sandbox. The park with the Castle in East Pennsboro is different than the park across the street from our house.

See, if Kaiya were to leave a bike, let alone a single Polly Pocket, at the park across the street; they'd surely not be there when she came back. That's just the kind of place it is.

The park with the Castle in East Pennsboro is different, though. It's smack dab in the middle of a subdivision of subdivision of a subdivision and a couple strip malls.

Not that it's a bad thing, but it's just very suburban. Whereas the park across the street from our house is, most definitely, urban.

Each day at the park across the street from our house, children gather to play on the swings, climb the monkey bars or play kickball in the clearing near the street. Normally, anywhere from ten to twenty five or so kids will be playing.

And the language that comes out of these kids' mouths is downright disturbing.

Now don't get me wrong, I admit to having something of a potty mouth myself, but I'm a big kid now and can talk however I'd like in the presence of other big kids.

But if my Grandmother or Mother ever heard me say a fraction of the words or phrases that get spouted out like a hacked fire hydrant by these kids, I most likely wouldn't have any teeth today.

That's just the way it was.

But I digress.

The park with the Castle in East Pennsboro is frequented by something of a Minivan Militia. It's got a real wholesome feel to it. I feel safe letting Kaiya play in the sandbox with three or four other kids that are close to her age. Obviously, I keep my eye out at all times for the potential threat of danger or a predator, but that's just the way it is when you're a parent.

I'm also not worried that the sandbox has become a Chris Rock stand up performance--where they say words that you can't even hear on the radio.

Despite my confident feelings and enjoyment of the park with the Castle in East Pennsboro, I couldn't believe what I heard when I got back to the sandbox to coax Kaiya into putting her shoes on and getting ready to go--It wasn't a swear word or a derogatory phrase. The cute little girl didn't even say "damn" or "hell" or "ass".

While I was shaking the sand from Kaiya's socks and slipping them back on her sweaty little feet; a little girl probably six, maybe seven years old playing in the sandbox with the other kids broke the flow of requests for the bucket or shovel or sifter or rake and said

"I was in foster for four days."

Hoping she had some odd accent or was mispronouncing the name of the beach town that she traveled to with her parents, I went back to shaking the sand out of Kaiya's sneakers...

"I was in...I was in foster for four days" she rattled again.

Silence from the other kids in the sandbox.

"Do yooooou know what foster is?" she knowingly asked the girl, probably four, playing with the sifter.

"Noo" she answered meekly.

Tying the knot, and then the double knot, on her left sneaker I listened to the chubby little blond girl begin to explain...

"Foster is when...is when you go to live..um...with someone who isn't your parents for like four days...or for a year...and when you turn eighteen you get to do whatever you want."

The second knot on her left shoe was tied as I helped her up and dusted off her shorts and top; a small poof of dust gently blowing in the wind similar to Pig Pen from Peanuts.

And we walked to the swingset, hand in hand, the warmth of the afternoon sun completely useless against the shiver of cold I felt after hearing that cute, chubby little five or six year old explain to everyone in the sandbox what it means to be in "foster".

Now that I've calmed down a bit...

2006-07-31T23:29:00.000-05:00

What a difference two days makes.

My last post was my immediate reaction to a sticky situation that happened Saturday night following settlement of the John Lee Hooker Jr. show at ABC.

See, I'm a nice guy. I really am. And when I go above and beyond as a promoter and event producer, I sort of expect the acts that I deal with to recognize that and appreciate it on some level.

I don't need a shout out at every show--but a free tee shirt is nice. At the end of the night; once the stage is torn down and everythings packed up in the van, it feels good to hear from the road manager or frontman of the band that; "hey man, thanks for taking care of us tonight."

Learning is constant, or so I've heard. And I learned something this past Saturday that can't be taught in a class or read in a book.

Obviously, business is the key word in "Music Business". Ultimately, the goal for any musician, sound man, promoter or agent is to not have to work a day job on the grid. We all want to rock and roll--in some capacity.

But there's a difference between people that are in the business solely to make money. At ANY expense. Sell CD's for as much as they can get; a fan wants an autograph? Sure--twenty bucks. Oh, we have hospitality? Gimme a STEAK!

There's a difference between the band that is on the road, gigging from town to town, crashing on couches and pouring their hearts out on the stage night in and night out who realize and appreciate that they can and do make good money on the road but remember where they came from and, just as quickly that they make it, it can all go away.

And then there are the ones who only want to make a buck. Sure, they've got talent--but where's the soul? Where's the passion? Where's the integrity?

John Lee Hooker Jr has no integrity. What I saw both onstage and off on Saturday night confirmed that, without a doubt, he's only able to get gigs because of his name...and he's milking it for all he can.

The story is kind of complicated and involves industry jargon that I won't bore you with--but when the lights came on Saturday night and settlement went down, John Lee Hooker Jr didn't agree with what was indicated on his contract--signed by his agent and I--as his compensation for the night.

The dollar amount wasn't off by much, but it wasn't what he thought it was going to be.

Sure, had he been in better communication with his agent he would have known what to expect--but that's not my problem.

And when problems arise, a good man will be reasonable and understanding of different situations. John Lee Hooker Jr, however, is not reasonable OR understanding.

Long story short, he got loud, arrogant, racist and abusive towards me and my staff at The Abbey Bar--and handled a business situation not like a man, rather, like a child deprived of a toy in the toy store. He threw a fit.

And that's my story.

So I learned about the dark side of the touring novelty act circuit; but most importantly, I learned that I should stick with what I love and not book acts based solely on their names.

It was a tough lesson to learn, but a mistake that won't be made again.

One City One Voice

2006-07-26T13:03:00.000-05:00

Harrisburg Anti-Crime Initiative
Web Site Launched:
www.OneCityOneVoice.com

26 July 2006

What began as a conversation about the city's recent lack of communications on crime has now sparked a fledgling citizen's movement—and a new web site: www.OneCityOneVoice.com

Concerned citizens who gathered last Sunday at Fathom Design Group to talk about crime in Harrisburg have begun to shape a strategy for affecting how the community deals with the issue. Initial plans would facilitate a city-wide focus on crime—identifying its root causes in Harrisburg and attacking the issue on every level.

Key to the effort would be a spirit of collaboration between elected officials, community groups, and residents throughout our community.

One organizer of the new web site commented, "Whether you're from Midtown, Downtown, Southside, Allison Hill, or Uptown: you are a part of a single community called Harrisburg. An individual or group may not be able to 'fix' the city-wide crime issue. But if we connect—and this web site and growing campaign will help us do that—we can make a difference."

The concerned citizens are in what they call a "discernment phase"—crafting a "Declaration of Interdependence" to be signed by citizens, community groups, and elected officials. This document is a "covenant" between city stakeholders to focus city-wide on lasting, proactive solutions to crime—in contrast to "catch-and-release" policies that even the administration admits are less than ideal.

While the Declaration is crafted and initial "Community Conversation on Crime" events are planned, the group has launched a web site to build a communications network with interested residents and organizations.

www.OneCityOneVoice.com currently contains a simple statement and an e-mail link to get connected. But the site will soon contain online polls to gauge public sentiment, "brainstorming sheets" from last Sunday's meeting, a draft of the Declaration of Interdependence, an online message board, and more.

Long-term, the site will take shape as the movement takes shape, and will be a staging ground for city-wide collaboration and concrete action.

The Kid From Brooklyn on Starbucks

2006-07-25T12:15:00.000-05:00

How do ya feel about Starbucks?

This guy hits it right on the head.

*NOT safe for work*

http://thekidfrombrooklyn.com/

Newsflash 1

2006-07-24T22:22:00.000-05:00

MySpace is beyond sucking.

It's nearly worse than my smoking habit.

Fortunately, MySpace doesn't include addictive chemicals like nicotene and I don't need to buy a patch or gum to quit it.

Sure, I'm still going to use it for Roundtable and ABC; but there's no good that comes out of essentially having your wallet, diary, and photo album posted on a Website owned by the News Corporation for billions of people to review.

Blogs are easy. I'm just going to post here.

More about my MySpace thoughts as my head gets more clear about it or you can read this for now.

The Selection Process

2006-06-19T22:13:00.000-05:00

I really do listen to every press kit that comes in the mail.

Sometimes it'll take a couple of months, but every single disc that comes to HQ in the mail gets a good, fair listen.

I try to use the thirty second rule of thumb--that is; I listen to the first thirty seconds of the first track on the disc...at which point I'll either keep listening, go on to the next track, or say "no thanks" and toss it in the "No" pile.

That's fair, right?

I've been getting between ten and twenty press kits per week in the mail for the past year. I guess that's just about six hundred and fifty press kits and demos from bands from all over the country delivered to my mailbox. (And remember that the online submissions are probably double that. Every single band that can figure out how to use the search tools on MySpace has sent a lazy online submission as well. That figure is around 10 to 20 per day)

MySpace is my least favorite tool for listening to bands now. If a band sends me a booking request and only have a MySpace page, I don't even click the link.

Call me old fashioned, but I do actually enjoy getting press kits in the mail. There's something almost magical about opening a nice, fresh Manila envelope and looking at the presentation. Everything about a press kit speaks volumes about a band.

Did they professionally print a label? Or write out the to and from address with a Sharpie?
Is it just a standard legal manila envelope or is it in some kind of unique, creative package?
The actual press kit--is it in a Staples Standard glossy black folder? Or is it a custom three page glossy fold out?
And the music--where to start there? Is it a blank CDR with the same Sharpie writing that's on the envelope? Or is it a professionally duplicated disc? And if THAT's the case, is it a CDR? Or is it copied?

I do have to admit, though, that I can now see why agents and talent buyers wind up becoming bitter, angry, jaded people rather quick.

There's something to be said about a holding a position that carries so much power and responsibility.

I know that when I meet a band, most times they're so nice and polite and eager to buy me a beer only because of what I can do for them.

But I'm a little guy. I can only do so much in the region.

I can only imagine what the big dogs at Madison House, William Morris, Monterey (Peninsula AND International) deal with on a daily basis.

It's funny though--because most bands really do suck.

Most bands really should ask people other than their girlfriends and family what they think of, not only their music but, their whole package.

I can almost hear it...I can hear the girlfriend of the lead singer saying to him "Baby, you're so GOOD...your lyrics are so unique and you've got something that nobody has!"

And then I get the press kit.

(I have to sidebar here--I don't listen to these press kits by myself. I have "listening parties" where about every two months, I invite a key group of people over to HQ to listen to every submission. It's usually my partner(S), a sound guy or two, a couple of hardcore fans that come to most of the shows, and a couple of the staff members of the venue I'm buying for)

We get a couple of Growlers, grill up some burgers and dogs, pass the dutchie to the left hand side, and listen to these submissions.

And comment on them.

Hardcore.

It's really a fun time. A solid group of devout music fans and professionals hanging around and critiquing (brutally) the offerings of bands with hopes of getting booked in our room.

I gotta tell you, too, that ninety per cent of the submissions that we get suck ass.

And I don't mean "Suck Ass" in a joking way, they really do suck ass.

But it's always nice and surprising when we come across a gem--something that makes us all bob our heads and say "yeah, let's hear another track" that makes it all worth while.

I've gone ahead and listed below links to a couple of the bands that made it to the "Yes" pile tonight.

Go ahead and check them out. We did all the work for you--

Stampead
Los Angeles, California
stampead.com

Kairos
Pittsburgh PA
kairosband.com

Alien Red
Wilkes Barre PA
alienred.net

The Boogie Hustlers
Bethel Park PA
boogiehustlers.com

Breakfast with Jesus

2006-06-12T01:59:00.000-05:00

I don't normally book "novelty" acts.

Nine times out of ten, the band has to have merit.

Actually, I really could say that this would be the first time that I booked a band solely on their name alone.

Sure, their online music had some panache to it, but it didn't jump out of the speakers at me. In fact, it barely made me want to hear more of it.

Barely.

When I arrived at The Brewery tonight, I had the notion in mind that I was about to see some shitty band from Switzerland that dumbed their way into a bunch of US dates.

And their name was Jesus.

They didn't spell it "JESUS". It's "Djizoes". In Swiss/French, it's pronounced "Jesus"...like, "our lord and savior"...but that's not what it means.

Their manager advised me that "Djizoes" (pr. Gee-zuss") had no literary or connotative meaning.

No religious association. No weird, abstract definition of the word...it just had a catchy ring to it that lots of people would understand.

And at the end of the night, I had a born again vigor for live music and what we've got right fucking here.

The guys in Djizoes (pr. Jesus) are just like any band from right here...but the main difference is that they felt lucky to be here.

They're fucking thankful to be able to play in the US--much less on a Sunday night in late spring at The Abbey Bar at ABC...which--if any US band knows--is not the ideal night of the week to play in Harrisburg.

These cats are from Switzerland...

Fucking Switzerland...And they booked a 26 date US tour over two months...without ever stepping foot in our country.

These fucking guys...Jesus...booked a solid two month run AND bought all brand new gear AND A gently used van for their trip when they got here.

HOW MANY US BANDS ARE DOING THIS??

Not as many as there should be, I'll tell you that much.

How many bands have I worked with (or do I know) that SHOULD be playing twenty six nights over a sixty day period?

Their music is clearly influenced by early American rock. One can hear influences of everything from Slayer to Zeppelin to Alice in Chains--and they do it well.

Praising their musical abilities aside, the guys in Djizoes were some of the most appreciative, generous and happy dudes I've encountered in quite some time. Too long, in fact.

And it's funny to say that Jesus slept on my couch last night. Well, not ALL of Jesus slept on the couch...my couch isn't that big...but scattered throughout my living room and in their van out front.

I questioned them about their culture--what's the government like? Is there as much focus on religion there as there is here? What about McDonalds and Starbucks? Is it true that EVERYONE hates America?

And what I learned, despite the small differences, is that everyone, regardless of where they are from, can have the same passion about music as we do. The world over, people are tied together by their love of a rhythm section, guitars and vocals. That's why they do it. Not to be rock stars or to fuel their egos...they do it for the love of music.

Switzerland or Swatara--nobody in the biz wants a day job.

And that, my friends, is what it's all about.

Make the music, go on tour...and rock on.

To sell or not to sell?

2006-06-10T19:22:00.000-05:00

I can remember the first time I heard Man In The Box by Alice In Chains. I was probably 15 or 16; watching MTV one afternoon after school and recall feeling sort of uneasy about the images I was seeing. But the song stuck with me. Who doesn't know the opening riff to that song?

And Nevermind by Nirvana--another discovery made by watching the MTV. The mocking of a high school pep rally--how appropriate!

The list goes on--Soundgarden, Rage Against The Machine, Belly, L7, The Breeders, Tool, The Beastie Boys...all great bands...all now lying peacefully in the Graveyard of Grunge.

I grew up on 90's music. It had a very real, very emotional impact on my music tastes and habits that I now have.

But somethings different these days. I don't want to get into a "these kids today" rant; it's not my point. Because it's not the kids fault.

It's not the kids fault that a good portion of their music is featured in a Volkswagen commercial or a WB sitcom.

It's not the kids fault that some bands that decide to licsence a song to be used in an M&M's commercial will likely turn on thousands of kids to that band; while at the same time pissing off someone like me.

But that's the point, right? Who cares if ONE guy like me decides to not listen to a song anymore once it's made it to the marketing mainstream.

It seems like most people I talk to don't agree that it's a very bad thing for a band to allow a corporation to use one of their songs.

Chrysler offered Springsteen twelve million dollars to use Born In The USA in one of their commercials.

Bruce said no.

But Zeppelin--Led Fucking Zeppelin--let Cadillac use "Rock and Roll" to sell their cars.

What the fuck?

Sure, the timing's right. All of the kids that grew up listening to Zeppelin are now in their late forties and fifties and have that kind of income to be able to buy that Cadillac. But don't they get it? Don't they understand that Cadillac is zeroing in on one of the most powerful emotions known to man...people fall in love with a song. When you fall in love with a song, it's a lot different than falling in love with a girl. Most of us can agree that girls come and go--but your favorite song never changes. It's always there for you and you don't mind sharing it with your friends.

The thought process, it seems, must be that some fifty year old watching a golf game on CBS one Sunday afternoon sees the Caddy commercial--hears the song and is immediately brought back to the first time that he heard the song. The first time he fell in love with that song. And while he's remembering falling in love with that song, he's now associating it with Cadillac. A fucking car.

I dunno, man. Maybe I'm old fashioned. People seem to think that a band needs a break like that to make it in todays market. But I disagree. I still believe that a band CAN make it the old fashioned way: Writing great music, performing kick ass shows, touring relentlessly and selling merch.

It worked for the past 50 or so years--why's it gotta change?

I emailed Bob Lefsetz, music industry veteran and publisher of the Lefsetz Letter, to see what he thought about the recent surge in popular music being used to hock products. Here's an excerpt of what he had to say:

"I’m gonna say it again. Most music sucks. The fact that you can’t get arrested, that nobody is interested in your music, that you’ve got to get a day job is almost ALWAYS because you just don’t have it. You need talent to make it. Oh, unless you’re one of those autotuned wonders purveyed by the major label like we’re giving a shit. Marketing has eclipsed talent. It’s just that simple. Believe me, if I come across ANYTHING good I’m going to tell you and everybody else I know. That’s how it is today. With word of mouth options so vast on the Internet. It’s human nature, we want to tell people. But not believing this, with their heads so far up their asses they can see no light, those in power want to do everything the same old way.

I’ve got to ask you, ever wonder why essentially no band other than Pearl Jam still HAS a career fifteen years on? Could it be that they all whored themselves out to such a degree that nobody cares about them anymore?

Hell, if you want to make money, be the Goo Goo Dolls. Change from punk to pop and rewrite the same damn song every time and just PRAY that one’s a hit. But if you want to have true longevity, if you want someone to see you live, people have to BELIEVE in you!"

Read the whole blog here

That's all I've got to say about this.

There's too much crossover. Music is supposed to be music and advertising is supposed to be advertising. It's like mixing Church and State.It just shouldn't happen.

My new favorite music player

2006-06-06T21:46:00.000-05:00

Pandora.

Have you tried this yet?

It's basically like listening to music you like and then having someone of superior music knowledge suggest music similar to that to listen to.

Kind of like the iTunes "if you like this, then try this" thing; but it doesn't cost a dollar a song.

Granted, you can't buy the music direct from the site, but it's still pretty fucking cool.

And the best part is that there's nothing to download. It's essentially a customizeable, streaming media player without commercials.

For example: I typed in The Beastie Boys.
Pandora continued to play In 3's from Check Your Head; followed by Soul Power by Busey's Soulblenders, She's A Woman by Jeff Beck, Swamp Chomp by Diplomats of Solid Sound and See Right Thru You by a pretty badass band called Bolt Upright.

Then I tried Medeski, Martin and Wood and got Queen Bee by MMW; followed by Ain't It Funky Now by Grant Green, Cat Walk by Steve Smith, and Splat by the James Taylor Quartet.

My favorite part of all of the recent advances of the Internet is the plethora of music thats accessible with the click of the mouse. And Pandora is my new favorite addiction.

The Dog formerly known as Prince....

2006-05-29T10:29:00.000-05:00

I got a dog, again.

It's a nine month old beagle that my baby mama bought on a whim and decided that she couldn't take care of it...so I graciously volunteered.

His name was Prince...but I didn't dig it. So I'm gonna call him Homer.

We already had an altercation with some douchebag driving too fast down my block...and I learned quickly that Homer's not the most intimidating little humper.

MySpace: Part I

2006-05-22T21:18:00.000-05:00

Where to start about MySpace...hmm.

Information gathering?

Demographic harvesting?

Millions of bands not reading the fine print and literally giving their music to Murdoch and the News Corporation?

I think it was when I found my little sisters page on the oh-so-addictive MySpace that I really started to think good and hard about exactly what it's all about.

Essentially, we're putting every bit of pertinent information an advertister needs to sell us a good or product...on a public site for millions of people to read.

I started what's going to be a growing list of questions from MySpace surveys that I believe are simply fucked up and completely unneccesarry information for us to put out there to the companies and corporations that simply want you to watch more TV, eat more fast food and drive a nicer car.

(Click here for a list of companies that News Corp; the same company that now owns MySpace either owns or has a serious finanical interest in and that also posted earnings of $23.859 billion dollars in 2005)

Keep in mind that these are actual questions from MySpace surveys that have been harvested from multiple ones I've read. The question to ask yourself is "Would I find it odd if these questions were asked in succession and not spread out over five or six different surveys with a bunch of other stupid questions thrown in to make me feel like I'm not giving up that much information about myself?"

Odd MySpace Survey Questions Part I

Have you ever been searched by the cops?

Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?

Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?

How often do you remember your dreams?

What's the one thing on your mind?

What's your mothers maiden name?

Do you know anyone in jail?

Are your parents married or divorced

Do you believe in Heaven?

Have you ever done anything illegal?

Can you roll your tongue?

Do you believe in abortions?

Future child's name?

Where did you eat last?

Do you read blogs?

Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life?

How long do your showers last?

Are you self-conscious?

Have you been in love?

Where do you live?

What is the last thing that you ate?

What song are you listening to right now?

What's your date of birth?

I dunno, man. Maybe I'm just paranoid...but as Abbey Hoffman once said, "just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you".

More to come...

Everyday rocks...until it doesn't.

2006-05-22T18:29:00.000-05:00

So I guess the Sheetz "Everyday Rocks" campaign has ended.
I sorta figured that it'd come and go rather quickly.

Good for them, though. I hope they sold lots more Shmuffins and Shmagels with the assistance of some hard working unsigned bands.

I always found it funny when I heard one of the X jocks yammering on about "another Everyday Rocks show!" coming up.

Um, excuse me--"another"? How many did they do? 2? Maybe 3?

Whatever. The last thing I have to say about that is they chose an eerily familiar color scheme for their site.

Reunited and it feels so good!

2006-05-18T12:32:00.000-05:00

I had something of a problem with parking tickets over the past couple of months. It seriously seemed like the Harrisburg Parking Authority had my license plate as a target for some reason. It was almost every day that I got a new one.

Of course, I have the mindset that the rules don't apply to me and started a green envelope collection in my glovebox for a few months.

Until May 12...when I left my house to find The Boot. After about $700 worth of scraping, I got it removed.

Bastards.

Every Single Phone Call

2006-05-11T13:10:00.000-05:00

I first read about this on the Floor-9 Blog and then followed the links in the body...

Apparantley, all of the talk about domestic wiretaps being used only for Al Quaeda suspects was all--surprise!--bullshit.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/05/11/nsa.phonerecords/index.html

The Gov has been compiling a database of EVERY SINGLE PHONE CALL made within the United States.

So much for being discreet on the phone, eh?

You Are Being Brainwashed

2006-05-11T12:39:00.000-05:00

you are being brainwashed

“Camera’s got them images, camera’s got them all…Nothing’s Shocking”.

“I have a vision…television!”

“Honey, where’s the remote?”

A funny thing happened to me about six months ago. See, being that I’m pursuing a career in the entertainment/music/radio industry, I’ve been pretty broke. An offset of my being broke is that I had to decide which expenses and bills to keep and pay, and which ones I could do without or get away with not paying for. I’ve eliminated such luxuries like buying new sneakers, switched from drinking Guinness to drinking PBR, and, my hardest transition was going from smoking kind nugs to cheap schwag. All of this took some adjustment but I began to fare well with my new financial state.

One of the bills that I decided to blow off for “just a couple more weeks” was my cable bill. The notices started coming more frequently and the phone calls began, but I felt that I didn’t really need cable so it wasn’t on the top of my priority list. Eventually, the digital part of my service was shut off and I was left with just the basic channels. That lasted about two weeks until, finally, the axe fell and I was left with a pair of rabbit ears that could pick up three channels on a clear day.

My first few days without television were like the first few days a junkie tries to kick heroin. I needed those Seinfeld reruns. My day wasn’t complete without at least an hour of “I love the 80’s” on VH1. I didn’t know how I’d survive without my ritualistic Sunday night Simpsons. How would I talk about Friends with my friends?

It felt very similar to getting out of a relationship that both parties involved knew was no good for the other, something I have also become something of an expert on. Yes, breaking the habit of not watching television was the same as breaking up with a bad girlfriend, but the true test was to see how long I could go without that comfortable booty call.

After the first week or so, I started to feel less of a need to lay motionless on the couch, scratching my nuts and farting into the same couch cushion every night for upwards of three hours on end. I found myself writing and reading more. I went to HACC and registered for some courses. I got my own business going again and started working part time with a radio station. I go out and see original music at least 5 nights a week. I genuinely feel as if I’ve just now started to truly realize the world around me for what it is.

As the weeks went on and the momentum built from my new found energy, I began to think more about why I hadn’t started doing all of the things I’m doing now sooner. Was it the divorce? Was it the psychological toll that a custody battle took on my mental constitution? Or, just maybe, could have it of been the fact that I, just like every other American, was spending an average of 7.2 hours in front of the television every single day?

That’s right! 7.2 hours of each day (on average) is spent staring at a flickering screen filled with images that do nothing but distract, coerce, and waste valuable time of the viewer. 49 hours of every week is what it adds up to. Sure, right about now you may be saying, “Well I don’t watch TV for 7 hours every day”. Sure you don’t. Not every day. But think about this: Have you ever spent an entire weekend clutching the remote control as if it were a morphine drip button after painful surgery? How many days off from work have you woke up with Katie Couric, had lunch with Bob Barker, and went to bed with Raymond?

It all adds up to an average of 7.2 hours every day that we spend watching the television, and in my experience, I can tell anyone reading this that your life will become dramatically better if you just turn it off. Period.

In my 27 years, according to the institute that figured out that Americans watch 7.2 hours of television every day, 65,318 hours of my life has been spent in front of the television. Holy shit. That’s a lot of hours. And what have I gained by watching that much television in my life? Nothing.

Television is not real.

Nothing we see on the television is based on or presented to us in a realistic setting. Sure, they try really hard to convince us that it’s real, but what is reality? Reality is what we make of it. Reality is the color of the walls in your bedroom; reality is the itch on your back that you just can’t reach; reality, to me, is the notion that marriage is over rated; reality is the fact that I’m not worried about my daughter getting stung by a bee or falling down the stairs, because those things are going to happen; Reality is the fact that I’m actually afraid of when she goes to kindergarten and has to pass her Hello Kitty backpack through a fucking metal detector.

With the exception of The Simpsons, The Sopranos, and good old porn and movies, the main purpose of the television and networks, it seems to have become, is to force us into being bigger, more gluttonous, greedy consumers than we already are. Sure, America is based on capitalism, but when did it become a requirement for me to sit in front of an electrical box and be forced into a decadent mental deterioration that is being brought on by massive psycho-seductive efforts enlisted by multi-national corporations all fighting for dibs on my hard earned money? Every image we see on the television is shown to us in order to convince us that what we see is how it is, and I just am not buying what they’re selling anymore. From what I’ve seen, what they’re telling us just doesn’t add up.

Question Authority.

Personally, I don’t like being told what to do. I’ve always had a problem with authority and to me, the television seems like it has become the most respected, and feared, authority that we know. Where do you go to get the scoop on what semi-developed country Baby Bush has decided to go into and fuck with? Where do you go to find out what all the cool kids are wearing to school this year? Where do you go to sneak a glance into the life of some homogenized, dramatized, idealized life of a family that you wish you were a part of?

Right after they tell you what to be afraid of (Sars, Y2K, Aids, child pornographers, a suspect described as a black male in his 20’s, virtually anyone of Middle Eastern descent, road-rage, air-rage, airbags, con-men, a suspect described as a black male in his 20’s, killer bees, brain cancer from cell phones, cell phones causing explosions at gas pumps, the imminent threat of a terrorist attack at any given moment, Anthrax, West Nile, a suspect described as a…get the picture?) they tell you what to buy. Go lower your cholesterol with Cheerios and then brush your teeth with Colgate, pick your kids up from soccer practice in the all new, gas guzzling SUV, make Kraft macaroni and cheese with your Swanson fish sticks (and remember, Kraft is made by the good people that bring us Marlboro cigarettes, Philip Morris), get that purple pill to keep it up for the wife, and don’t forget the duct tape and plastic sheets, and then, if you’re unemployed because of an accident, call Angino and Rovner and get the compensation that you deserve. Sue somebody.

Know who I think I’m going to sue? ABCNBCCBSFOX. Yes, I’m going to sue them for wasting 65, 318 hours of my time. I wonder how much I can get? The television has given me plenty of skewed, spun, and unreliable information that I had to un-learn in order to function properly again.

“But how do you get the news?”

The news. Ah, good ol’ Tom Brokaw. How about this theory: Ever stop and think that “The News” is just another program that is “brought to you by our sponsors”? That’s all it is. Your nightly news broadcast is no different than an episode of Roseanne. How can I say that? Well, I’ll tell you. The news programs that we watch are scripted, choreographed bits of fluffed up crap that are sponsored by a variety of corporations. Yes, all of the things that they show us on the news do actually happen, but it’s nothing news worthy and most times all of the good news (good, in this case, meaning positive or heart-warming) hits the cutting room floor because it’s not as interesting as someone getting shot or a fire burning down three houses on 6^th street. Notice this next time you see a segment on 20/20 about how unsafe your car is: immediately following the broadcast about car safety or dangers, I guarantee you that you will see a commercial for Volvo, or Volkswagen, or Subaru telling you how safe this new $32,000 MSRP piece of machinery is. Brainwashing.

TV-A

I’ve spoke with a lot of people about kicking the habit and I get almost the same response every time: “I don’t watch that much TV.” Know what that sounds like to me? An alcoholic saying “I don’t drink that much” or a smoker saying “I really need to quit”. Television can be considered an addiction. That’s a good way to look at it if you truly want to eliminate it from your life. You need to tell yourself that you’ll be all right without CSI or RAW! on a Monday night. Trust me, you will be able to get to sleep without the 11:00 news flickering in the background with the sleep timer set on “90”.

Know what else is interesting to me? Now, being an ex-watcher, I notice how many times during a typical day that people reference or mention TV in conversation. It’s crazy! It’s almost as if the television is the most interesting thing in peoples lives. When in reality, it’s a box of transistors and wires blaring enticing images with the sole purpose of selling you something. And I’m not just talking about the commercials either. The following is taken directly from author Ron Kaufman who published this on the Website http://www.turnoffyourtv.com (go ahead, click the link…just make sure you come back and finish reading my article).

The Beautiful People Syndrome is what happens when you watch too much TV. You begin to believe, or expect, regular people to act, behave, and look like television stars. Does TV imitate life, or does life imitate TV, or does both happen? Television images portray people as beautiful, smart, wealthy, quick-witted, creative, instantly compelling, and exciting. Television wouldn't be worth watching, for those who watch, if it wasn't unbelievably interesting.

In the book Amusing Ourselves to Death, New York University Professor Neil Postman explains how television has changed modern imagery: "It is implausible to imagine that anyone like our 27th President, the multi-chinned, three-hundred pound William Howard Taft, could be put forward as a presidential candidate in today's world. The shape of a man's body is largely irrelevant to the shape of his ideas when he is addressing a public in writing or on the radio . . . but it is quite relevant on television. The grossness of a three-hundred-pound image, even a talking one, would easily overwhelm any logical or spiritual subtleties conveyed by speech."

Postman goes on to explain that "on television, discourse is conducted largely through visual imagery, which is to say that television gives us a conversation in images, not words . . . You cannot do political philosophy on television. Its form works against the content."

After watching hours and hours and hours of television imagery, those "Beautiful People" will become burned into your mind. The handsome, pretty, skinny and witty characters on the show "Friends" are more famous than writers, poets, politicians and more important than teachers, policemen, or firemen. The characters on "Friends" or "Ally McBeal" live the lives we all should live -- and they don't even have to work that hard.

The Beautiful People Syndrome is attacking the psyche of television-addicted America. For a man, if you are not 6'1'', handsome and wealthy you are not ideal. Any woman who isn't bone-thin with a large chest certainly is below the standard. Television is warping the American mind. Unfortunately, the Americanization of the rest of the world may contribute to mind-warping worldwide. Everyone wants to be one of the beautiful television people.

And now, a word from our sponsors:

So what should we do about this television thing? Most likely, a lot of you will just keep watching. Some of you will actually close your web browser, disconnect from the internet, go lay down on the couch, and turn on your TV. And that’s okay; just do me a favor? Next time you’re watching some kid in the mall in Camp Hill strut around like a street thug from The Bronx, or your kid tells you that she absolutely has “to have the new DVD from Jessica Simpson” that she saw on MTV, or your annoying co-worker feels obliged to engage you in a conversation about which American Idol character he thinks Simon should take it easy on, just remember this: it’s not too late to turn it off.

Have a comment about this piece or want additional information? Let me know jersey.mike@earthlink.net .

Please leave your message after the tone

2006-05-11T12:22:00.000-05:00

“This message is only here to cost you money.”

Everyone knows (or should know by now) that the wireless industry is more corrupt than a meeting of bosses in the back room of a deli in Jersey City.

They use absurdly deceptive marketing techniques and require a ridiculous commitment that costs more to break that an online divorce.

Additionally, what other industry charges you a dramatically different amount for their product depending on how long you’ve had your current model? The ads for the forty nine dollar camera phone are all, apparently, bullshit.

But all of the taxes and fees and charges, the thing that bothers me the most about using a wireless phone is the voicemail greeting.

I’m not talking about the greeting on the line of the person that you’re trying to reach. I actually kind of enjoy hearing people’s greetings. I think you can actually learn a lot about a person by their voicemail greeting.

No, folks. What I’m talking about happens immediately after the greeting of the person who can’t take your call. It takes about twelve seconds and if you do the math, you’ll see that it adds up to more money per year than you or I will most likely not see in a lifetime.

As if by the year two thousand and six we’re not smart enough to know how to leave a voicemail, we’ve got some computer generated and perfectly intonated woman explaining to us “To page this person, press five. To leave this person a voicemail, press zero or simply wait for the tone. When you are finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options. Beep.”

It all lasts about twelve seconds. Every time. Thousands of times per day. Every day, each year.

Let’s do the math.

Let’s say you’ve got the average nine hundred minute plan with any of the big three (Verizon, Cingular and Sprint/Nextel.) That average plan comes out to about seventy bucks per month after taxes.

So regardless of the “free minutes” or “off peak” bullshit they use to justify these outlandish charges, you’re paying seventy dollars per month for nine hundred minutes.

Seventy divided by nine hundred comes out to .07.

Seven cents per minute is what that nine hundred minute plan costs you.

We need to break it down even further, so look at .07 divided by sixty (seconds in each minute) That comes out to .0012. That’s just over one tenth of a cent per second.

Next, we’re going to multiply that by one tenth of a cent by 12 (the number of seconds that stupid greeting takes)

We’re now back up to .015 cents being billed to each and every one of our accounts for each time we get someone’s voicemail.

That doesn’t seem like a lot, right?

Well, let’s start adding and multiplying.

I use an absurdly high number of minutes each month, but I’d safely estimate that the average wireless user leaves maybe three or four voicemails per day.

So for sake of numbers, we’re going to call it four. The average wireless customer leaves four voicemails per day.

Four voicemails, which comes to four sets of twelve unnecessary seconds being billed to each of our accounts at .015 cents each time we leave a message.

Five days per week (cause weekends are free, right?) is .30 cents per week.

Still doesn’t seem like much, right?

There are well over one hundred and fifty million wireless users in this country.

Each one of us is spending an additional thirty cents per week.

Thirty cents per person multiplied by one hundred and fifty million people comes to 45,000,000 each week.

Oh, and that’s dollars, by the way.

Forty five million dollars each week multiplied by fifty two weeks per year comes to 2,340,000,000.

That’s two billion three hundred forty thousand dollars.

Two billion three hundred forty thousand dollars each year is spent leaving a stupid little voicemail.

All I can really do is shake my head. Or stop leaving voicemails.